August 8, 2015
I need to know I won’t be sad forever. I need to know that recovery can be achieved and maintained. I need to know that if I strengthen my faith in you, maybe not organized religion, but you as a loving and benevolent God, that you will have my back, take my hand, and see me through this.
I can’t keep doing this. I would like to think that there will come a time where I’ll stop needing the hospital. I would like to think that there will come a time where I’ll stop needing all the medication with all these horrible side effects. I would like to take control of and own my body and mind. I swear to share my soul with you, if you’ll just help me regain my mind and body.
I need something, God. I need to know that if there is some master plan as so many claim, that what I go through in my life, all this depression and misery, is in the end going to make me some better person.
I can’t… I lose so many dreams and friends and jobs and aspirations to my illness. I need to think all that is just a test and if I push through I’ll find true friendship and I’ll be happy in a career dealing with psychology. I would like to think that I’m not all talk and that my pain in life really does and will make me a better friend and will make me a great psychologist. I don’t need to be the best, I don’t need to be world famous, I just want to change lives. Help lives. Help lead people to the recovery I myself seek. Who better to help than someone who has been to the very bottom?
If this is not your plan for me, all I can do is hope that whatever your plan actually is, that it at least includes me feeling better, no longer being so sick.
I need to know I won’t be sad forever.