August 12, 2015

Dear God, it’s me Karen

Is this your voice I’m hearing God? Those few and trusted that I have consulted have all been real quick to point out the degree to which R’s wife is unpleasant. She basically doesn’t allow him any friends, much less female ones. At least that’s my understanding. Either way it’s confirmed from more than one source she treats everyone awful and is especially controlling of her husband. This is not a healthy marriage he is in. Now I have no intentions of telling him that opinion. It isn’t my place but it does make me feel better about him keeping our friendship a secret from her.

First, as was pointed out to me, due to the unhealthy degree in which she holds control over him, any healthy friendship should automatically be considered no longer her business, for the sake of his health being put first. Everyone needs friends. Second of all, he’s not keeping it a secret from the world. Coworkers he trusts know and therefore it may not be out in the open, but it isn’t fully hidden either.

I just… Ethically this decision to maintain a friendship is in the grey area. My initial reaction is that hiding a relationship of any type from a spouse is as good as cheating, even if it’s strictly platonic. Why are you hiding it if there is nothing to hide? But knowing the degree to which she is controlling and hurting him, I no longer can blame him for both needing this friendship as badly as I do, and for keeping it a secret from her. He’s refusing to tell her because she would forbid it no matter the nature of the relationship. So it comes down to which decision causes the most damage?

On the one hand, there are two very lonely people who find comfort in their day by having someone to chat to. On the other, this could be the catalyst in the potential destruction of a marriage. But how healthy is that marriage? If a marriage could be threatened by a morally and ethically sound platonic friendship, then the marriage itself is unhealthy. Even so, he loves her and I would never forgive myself for causing strife if she found out.

But I can’t help but feel that the solution to all this is simply: don’t let her find out.

God, am I being selfish in this? Is my need for a friendship and (platonic) fondness for this boy leading me in the wrong direction? I ask you to help guide me as I wish no real harm to anyone. I again invite you to stay his hand away from his phone and text messaging me if this friendship isn’t meant to be. I haven’t heard from him in two days. Is that you? Or is that simply that he’s been off work and therefor home with her. I know he’s careful not to text me in front of her.

I will wait, Lord. That is my promise. I sent him a few texts in the first day of his silence just as a friendly reminder that he has a friend, but now I will bide my time. If he texts me first I will proceed. If he doesn’t, I will let it go.

I also invite that since we humans are stubborn creatures, please allow him to feel the doubt I’m feeling. It will make your potential decision, to make him pause in texting me, have an easier time reaching him.

Karen Marrs

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