September 30, 2015

Dear God it's me Karen,

Well.  That happened.  I should be grateful I was in the parking lot when my car literally fell apart, and not on the freeway, like I had been 15 minutes prior.  And I am grateful for that.

But the thing is, we're a one car family and there is 6 of us dependent on a car that is now had a steering column in pieces, and we can't afford to fix it.

Or more precisely, I guess we can use the school money that will be showing up in a couple of weeks, but that's kind of how we were going to pay bills for the next month or two.  I mean that check in October wasn't fun money.  It was survival money.  And we need all of it for basic survival.

There is a slim chance my brother-in-law can fix it himself and I'm really needing that to be the case.  I don't know how else we're going to survive the next 5 months.

I'm also...

I mean to be honest I struggle with this faith thing as it is.  And if it were just one thing I'd be ok.  But the hits just keep coming.  I don't even get a chance to recover from one before the next one hits and I just can't do it anymore.

I'm not saying I'm suicidal.  I'm too stubborn for that, plus I made a promise to you that I have not forgotten.

But God, I could use a miracle here.

Sincerely,
Karen Marrs

September 20, 2015

Dear God, it's me Karen,

I feel that now is the perfect time to reflect with you on how often I post here.  I like keeping it at one a day, because then I feel like I'm in constant contact with you, which allows me to better feel your presence in my life.

At the same time, I can't pray to you about a life balance and then turn around and stress about writing my prayers every day.  Especially since I am in contact with you the old fashion way, through each day.

So if, and as, I calm down from posting daily, to just a few times a week, please know it is not a representation of my relationship with you.  I'm still here and you'll here from me.  But in choosing to spend my time wisely, I think you'll approve of me not stressing over time to write to you.  I'll still make the time to post what needs said.  Exploring my relationship with you is still a high priority.  It's just all about balance.

Sincerely,
Karen Marrs

September 1, 2015

Dear God, it's me Karen

I feel like I'm asking for so much.  Every day it's something new.  I feel like I'm being greedy, asking for so much help.  I know a lot of people pray every day, but aren't they praying for the same 1 or 2 things over and over?  Or is it normal to have a lot to pray for.

This relationship with you, it's so new to me.  I feel like I jumped into the deep end instead of just wading in from the shallow end.  And I think I'm ok.  I just...

Am I doing this right?

Sincerely,
Karen Marrs

My Faith: Jesus

I'm not addressing this to anyone.  I'm just putting it out there.  I don't know who's reading this.  I know someone; the pageview count rises.  But still I address this to no one and I simply put it out there.

Also, I mean no disrespect.  This is about me and what I can and cannot believe in.

I don't believe in Jesus.  Rather, I don't believe he was more than a man.  A good man, sure, with a great message of love and acceptance, but still just a man.

Christianity asks you to believe some miracles when it comes to Jesus.  I'm not a Christian; it's just not within me.  I won't go as far as to say the Christians are for sure wrong, because I don't know and it's not my place.

I know I believe in science above all else.  And science would see it impossible for someone to be born to a virgin.  I also can't believe he rose for the dead.  I don't know if maybe he never actually died on the cross, or what.  I have no explanation as to what actually happened all those years ago.  I just know I can't believe in something scientifically impossible.

I think Jesus was indeed a great, maybe even sinless, man.  I believe that following his teachings can lead to a happy, fulfilling life.  That doesn't make him more than a man.

I also believe that Buddha was a great man with great teachings.  He too was just a man.

Just a man doesn't mean incapable of great and wondrous things.  But while I do have faith in a higher power, I believe all men must follow the laws of science.  They have been proven time and time again.

So I am not Christian.  I'm ok with this.  I don't need to be Christian to have a relationship with God.

And I do have a relationship with God.  It is an imperfect work in progress, but the faith is within me.

August 21, 2015

Dear God, it's me Karen,

The past two years have been some of the most trying years of my life.  If the old adage "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is true, then I have the strength of an Olympian inside me.  I'll spare the gore details here as you already know what is what, and anyone reading this who might be curious can go read my other blog.  I started fresh with a new outlook on spirituality and our relationship when I started this journal, I want to keep it in the present and looking to a healthy future.

The past 2 years have been trying though.  The most trying of my life and it really put what faith I had to test.  That test however... I came out the other end of it far more spiritual than I began it.  It almost scares me.  Allowing myself this much faith in something or someone I can't see, can't touch.

But I can touch it.  You are in my sister as she continues to live despite almost dying.  You are in the accomplishment of finally getting Sammy enrolled in preschool.  So what if there is a waiting list and she'll be delayed 2 weeks.  You are raising the numbers on the waiting list ensuring that one more class is opened up so that she can go.

I see you in the $2000 my mom was able to unexpectedly loan me.  An option for a credit line that appeared to her when it was needed the most.  Not just by me, but her as well.

I can even feel the Zoloft starting to work,

Old me would see these as a series of coincidences, and maybe they are, but I'm choosing faith and to see you in these actions.  I choose to see your work at hand.

I still won't name my faith.  I don't like organized religion and I don't feel I need to go somewhere special to celebrate you or communicate with you.  I celebrate you with each trip to the park.  I communicate to you just fine here and in some more silent and personal prayers.

I am, however, adamant that I want to read the big 3 holy books.  I'll start with the Bible, move to the Torah, and finish with the Koran.  This will allow me different versions of how others celebrate you and maybe allow me to be better in touch with my spirituality.

I promise to read these books with an open mind, but I am ever the scientist. The heart and soul of each book, however, is love and compassion, and I can accept that into my heart.  The rest, well, these texts were written by man and I can forgive things I can't believe that were written with love and excitement.

I think I'll share my journey through all 3 books here.  I don't know what I'll say, but I imagine I'll have thoughts, and as this journal is my journey into faith, I should chronicle my journal through scripture.

I think that'll be alright.


Sincerely,
Karen Marrs

Introduction

Dear God, it’s me Karen

I’ve decided to journal my daily prayers to you. Well, I say daily but we’ll see.

I never was much one for prayer. I’m not much for religion. But I am spiritual and I think there are decent enough odds that something greater than me is out there listening. At least I hope you’re listening. I do know you’re at least out there.

I hope my inability to just pick a religion and follow it with all my faith doesn’t bar me from your heart and ears. I would like to think that a loving and benevolent God would see into my heart and soul and know I’m a good person whom always tries to do the right thing. I have trouble with organized religion, but so much of that is my mental health and individuals doing horrible things in your name. I don’t think a benevolent God would want anyone to hate or judge another in the name of religion. Much less take a life.

Faith on the other hand comes easy to me. There is so clearly something bigger than me out there. I saw it this spring in the prayer warriors that called to you in the name of my sister when she was on the brink of death. That wasn’t the first time I had called up to you myself, but it was the first time I really needed heard.

And hear us you did. It was close. She was days maybe hours from death but you heard us, you got her on that transplant list, and you got her a new liver.

I distinctly remember the bargain I offered up to you. I pled for you to save my sister not just for me, but for my mom whom is more worthy of your love than I am, and who was never going to be ready to bury a daughter. I bargained that I understood what my sister’s illness was doing to my mom and that I suddenly understood what it would do to her to bury me. I promised you that no matter your decision regarding my sister, I would never be the cause of my mom burying a daughter. No matter how depressed I am, I will always get help instead of taking the selfish route that would hurt all those I love.

This past week that got put to the test, but I kept my promise to you, God. I wanted to take pill after pill. I even knew which ones I wanted. But I kept my promise to you and I saw to it my mom wouldn’t have to bury me. I spent 5 days in the hospital and while I’m sure that wasn’t easy on my mom, she seemed relaxed when she saw me, because me being there meant I was taking the needed steps to be ok.

I left the hospital yesterday a little earlier than I was over all ready, but I was picking up on the anxiety levels of the ward and I needed to get away from all that as an additional step to keep myself safe. Now I sit at home feeling like a stranger visiting foreign lands, but I have my tools back and I can keep myself safe.

I prayed to you every night while there, unsure of whether you heard me, and I would like to make a habit of keeping up with my daily prayers.

I’m also typing them out because I need this as some sort of journal for myself. Hopefully I can see a cause and effect between prayer and changes happening in my life and I can better affirm my faith that you are there and that I’m worth listening to.

So I’d like to begin.