Dear God, it's me Karen,
I am so tense with stress right now it's making me physically ill. So ill I can't attend class or complete homework, which is what has me stressed in the first place. It's this huge snowball effect and I'm at the center unsure of which way is up.
I know what I need to do. I just need my ability to focus back. That would be swell.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
October 8, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen,
I survived my test. I know for a fact I didn't get a perfect score, but I also know I didn't fail it. I'm thinking a high B-A range. I'm happy enough with that.
More importantly as nervous as I was the night before, I didn't panic during the test. So that's good. I just sort of took it as it came and did my best.
That's all I can do.
Thank you for taking my hand and keeping me calm.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
I survived my test. I know for a fact I didn't get a perfect score, but I also know I didn't fail it. I'm thinking a high B-A range. I'm happy enough with that.
More importantly as nervous as I was the night before, I didn't panic during the test. So that's good. I just sort of took it as it came and did my best.
That's all I can do.
Thank you for taking my hand and keeping me calm.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
September 27, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen,
I feel like I bit off more than I can chew, taking two math classes at once. Either way it would have been two classes at the same time, but I might have paired it better if only one class was a math class, and they weren't both 15 weeks long. The next 15 weeks are going to be stressful.
The thing is, I know I can handle it. I'm scared I can't, but that's how I am. I never give myself credit.
What I don't know is if I'll survive this term with a perfect 4.0. I'm having to let go of some impossible standards. There are only so many times I can work a problem before I give up and admit defeat. Defeat isn't the end of the world. It only feels like it is. Defeat simply means I need a little help and that's ok. It has to be. I'm not perfect.
I'm not perfect.
Which the insane part is I long ago accepted I'm not perfect, and yet I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to my academics. I know it's because I know I'm capable of great things. But I'm still only human. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm human and I make mistakes. Or I simply don't understand everything with perfect clarity. And that's ok. The standard I hold myself to is an impossible standard and that standard is not ok.
I repeat, mostly to myself because I'm the one not listening, holding myself to a standard of perfection is not ok. It's not healthy. It has me obsessing over every miserable point loss, and spending hours reviewing what I already know because I'm afraid I'll forget something come test time.
I can't do this to myself. I'm fighting a hard enough battle as it is, why do I insist on purposely making it worse?
I need to stop.
So.
So what if I get a B? That's still above average. It's a passing grade. It's more than acceptable to any rational human being.
My perfect 4.0 won't last forever. At least it'll be better if it's because I'm not perfect, verses not doing the work. I'm putting in the effort. It shows. I'm getting the vast majority of the material even. I'm just... tired? Not perfect. And in my mental and physical exhaustion I make mistakes,
I might even pull off an A in both class. All this stress over my GPA might be for naught. Either way, I need to just let it go. Accept what is and let go of what can't be.
I just. This is hard for me.
All I am right now is a student. I don't have a job to excel in. I have motherhood, of course, but that isn't all I am. School is what is taking me away from my kids so I at least need to make the best of it. Be the best at it. No. Just do my best.
I need to do my best and accept that no one's best is perfection. No one is perfect. I need to accept I'm certainly not the exception.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
I feel like I bit off more than I can chew, taking two math classes at once. Either way it would have been two classes at the same time, but I might have paired it better if only one class was a math class, and they weren't both 15 weeks long. The next 15 weeks are going to be stressful.
The thing is, I know I can handle it. I'm scared I can't, but that's how I am. I never give myself credit.
What I don't know is if I'll survive this term with a perfect 4.0. I'm having to let go of some impossible standards. There are only so many times I can work a problem before I give up and admit defeat. Defeat isn't the end of the world. It only feels like it is. Defeat simply means I need a little help and that's ok. It has to be. I'm not perfect.
I'm not perfect.
Which the insane part is I long ago accepted I'm not perfect, and yet I hold myself to the standard of perfection when it comes to my academics. I know it's because I know I'm capable of great things. But I'm still only human. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm human and I make mistakes. Or I simply don't understand everything with perfect clarity. And that's ok. The standard I hold myself to is an impossible standard and that standard is not ok.
I repeat, mostly to myself because I'm the one not listening, holding myself to a standard of perfection is not ok. It's not healthy. It has me obsessing over every miserable point loss, and spending hours reviewing what I already know because I'm afraid I'll forget something come test time.
I can't do this to myself. I'm fighting a hard enough battle as it is, why do I insist on purposely making it worse?
I need to stop.
So.
So what if I get a B? That's still above average. It's a passing grade. It's more than acceptable to any rational human being.
My perfect 4.0 won't last forever. At least it'll be better if it's because I'm not perfect, verses not doing the work. I'm putting in the effort. It shows. I'm getting the vast majority of the material even. I'm just... tired? Not perfect. And in my mental and physical exhaustion I make mistakes,
I might even pull off an A in both class. All this stress over my GPA might be for naught. Either way, I need to just let it go. Accept what is and let go of what can't be.
I just. This is hard for me.
All I am right now is a student. I don't have a job to excel in. I have motherhood, of course, but that isn't all I am. School is what is taking me away from my kids so I at least need to make the best of it. Be the best at it. No. Just do my best.
I need to do my best and accept that no one's best is perfection. No one is perfect. I need to accept I'm certainly not the exception.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
September 7, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen
I'm starting to think that I'm maybe feeling a bit better. It's hard telling for sure until I'm actually in school, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
I'm starting to think that I'm maybe feeling a bit better. It's hard telling for sure until I'm actually in school, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
September 5, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen
This has been a challenging week. I feel that about everything that could go wrong has and it leaves me feeling exhausted in some areas and frightened in others.
I'm feeling kind of alone here.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
This has been a challenging week. I feel that about everything that could go wrong has and it leaves me feeling exhausted in some areas and frightened in others.
I'm feeling kind of alone here.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
September 4, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen,
So, my computer just did a thing where it sort of died on me apparently because a USB port has gone bad and it was affecting the entire computer. I had extra ports in the back, I fixed it, it's working.
But if this is a symptom of a bigger problem...
See a lot of my self soothing tricks are tied to my computer. Plus, I start school in less than a week. I really can't afford for my computer to up and die. At least not right now. Besides, it's less than 2 years old.
So I can just not use those USB ports, that's fine. No complaint from me. But anything more than that...
It would be just my luck and one of the worse things that could happen right now.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
So, my computer just did a thing where it sort of died on me apparently because a USB port has gone bad and it was affecting the entire computer. I had extra ports in the back, I fixed it, it's working.
But if this is a symptom of a bigger problem...
See a lot of my self soothing tricks are tied to my computer. Plus, I start school in less than a week. I really can't afford for my computer to up and die. At least not right now. Besides, it's less than 2 years old.
So I can just not use those USB ports, that's fine. No complaint from me. But anything more than that...
It would be just my luck and one of the worse things that could happen right now.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 25, 2015
Dear God, it's me Karen,So... I had that mental health appointment I told you about a couple of weeks back. As of right now, we're keeping me on the Zoloft though we are increasing the dose. It's really hard to tell if it's working. I'm just so apathetic towards life right now. I'm not suicidal, which is a plus, but I'm not really living either. I'm just sort of here. Hopefully increasing the dose will help.
We also discussed how I'll feel better once I'm in school. I'll just have more purpose in life. It'll get me out of the house. It'll keep me busy. So we're saving the big decision as to whether or not to keep me on the Zoloft until after I've started school. I honestly don't think anything would work right now.
So as before I'm asking that you please leave the guess work out of this. No, "It's kind of working, but I'm not exactly happy I'm just not overly sad either." None of this apathy, please. Either Zoloft will or it won't work. I go back in like 5 weeks. That's plenty of time for it to be in my system and I'll be in my 3rd week of school. I should know by then, right?
I'm not saying the work will be over. I know I have a long road ahead before I reach recovery. But I'd really like to be helped along by meds that work.
Please and thank you.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 15, 2015
I go back to school soon. Classes start in early September. I'm excited for this. It gets me out of the house and around people. Plus, I do actually enjoy learning. I'm excited because I'm taking two math classes which means I'll be challenged in the exact way I enjoy being challenged the most. I'm assuming I will find these classes to be fairly easy, but I am prepared to have to work hard to remain my GPA. Either way, I have little doubt I'll be able to maintain an A, even if it's a lower A than the perfect score I got in my last math class. I don't need perfection to be happy.
Most importantly, I'm excited for this because right now my life is in a holding pattern with the days running together and little difference from one day to the next. Being back in school will give my life the direction I seek. Instead of wandering aimlessly, I'll be back on the path, and moving down it, that I have sought to place myself on. I will have purpose. An identity.
School will be good for me.
So God, I take ownership for this in the sense of not procrastinating and letting myself stress out in that manner, but God please let this be what I need. Please let me re experience the peace of mind that school is know to give me. Don't make it completely stress free, as I thrive under pressure, but please allow me the mental health to actually thrive, and not drown.
School will do wonders for my mental health, if I could just please have that nudge in the right direction. If I could please just have enough progress in my mental health to allow school to be what I need.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 11, 2015
God I have a deadline of sorts. I go back to my psychiatrist on August 24, 2015. On this day we will determin if the Zoloft is working. It takes 3-6 weeks for a medication like this to fully work it’s way into a person’s system. This will be the 3 week point so we should hopefully start seeing signs.
A sign, God, is all I need. I can wait out this process if I just know it’s at least starting to work. I’m not asking to be cured by the 24TH, Lord, I’m just asking for a sign that the medication is in fact starting to work.
Because if it’s not working, we’re not waiting around. We will in fact immediately move me to another medication and the 3-6 weeks will start all over.
This may not be my miracle drug, God, and I accept that. But we don’t have time to wait and see. 3 weeks in it won’t be at full effect but there should be some indication. I need some indication, God. Please. Please don’t make this a guessing game. Either allow me to feel at least slightly better by the 24th, or make it clear to me that this isn’t the medication.
I already feel, with the way my legs are cramping, that this might be your way of saying to move on to another medication. But I’m willing to wait and see. I’m giving it until the 24th. I can hang in there that long. Just please don’t ask of me to guess. I’ll use my skills, take my meds as prescribed, and work on using my wise mind, if you can only be clear about the medication.
I leave it in your hands.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 10, 2015
I’m trying for social security again, God. Please help guide the decision makers to a swift and merciful decision. It’s as simple as that, God. Please just guide them to what you feel to be right.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 8, 2015
I need to know I won’t be sad forever. I need to know that recovery can be achieved and maintained. I need to know that if I strengthen my faith in you, maybe not organized religion, but you as a loving and benevolent God, that you will have my back, take my hand, and see me through this.
I can’t keep doing this. I would like to think that there will come a time where I’ll stop needing the hospital. I would like to think that there will come a time where I’ll stop needing all the medication with all these horrible side effects. I would like to take control of and own my body and mind. I swear to share my soul with you, if you’ll just help me regain my mind and body.
I need something, God. I need to know that if there is some master plan as so many claim, that what I go through in my life, all this depression and misery, is in the end going to make me some better person.
I can’t… I lose so many dreams and friends and jobs and aspirations to my illness. I need to think all that is just a test and if I push through I’ll find true friendship and I’ll be happy in a career dealing with psychology. I would like to think that I’m not all talk and that my pain in life really does and will make me a better friend and will make me a great psychologist. I don’t need to be the best, I don’t need to be world famous, I just want to change lives. Help lives. Help lead people to the recovery I myself seek. Who better to help than someone who has been to the very bottom?
If this is not your plan for me, all I can do is hope that whatever your plan actually is, that it at least includes me feeling better, no longer being so sick.
I need to know I won’t be sad forever.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
August 6, 2015
I really need this Zoloft to start working. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything, but I am indeed hurting so much on the inside. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sadness and It’s hard to take.
Part of me knows I shouldn’t have left the hospital as early as I did. I mean on the one hand the anxiety I was picking up from there was getting to me. It was so loud and chaotic and I don’t do well in those situations. So I got myself out knowing I could rest better at home.
But home still has its pressures. Kids are loud and chaotic, just like the hospital, only they are also demanding of me. And I’m trying so hard but I feel like a failure as a mother. I’m too far gone to be the mother I want to be, and while I want to try, I don’t have the energy. I do give them whatever bits of energy I can find, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
I’m doing my best to self-care. I’m being down right lazy in the name of my health. I’m taking all my meds as prescribed. I’m doing all I can to be healthy. There is just one key element that is missing.
I need this Zoloft to work. Not just kick in, but actually make me feel better. I leave it in your hands because I’ve done all I can.
Sincerely,
Karen Marrs
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