August 5, 2015

Dear God, it’s me Karen,

I need this friendship with R. It’s no longer just for my sake, as he clearly needs someone he can talk to. That boy is more troubled than I am. But God, I need this to be a healthy relationship. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of toxic relationships from my life lately and I’m not looking to start a new one. So please help me find a healthy friendship with R.

Or, if he’s not the one, I need to know that. It would be so easy to give me that sign. Guide his hand away from texting me back. I won’t have a T repeat. If R doesn’t have room for me in his life I’ll walk away before I have a chance to get attached and get hurt. I can keep it to just a “hi” and “bye” when I see him at the gas station. So please stay his hand if he isn’t the friend for me. Otherwise may he find more room in his day-to-day to chat. I don’t need 24/7 like I initially had with N. I only need enough to feel like I honestly have someone to talk to.

What I really want with R is a once a week where he comes over and we just sit outside, or inside, and talk. But for that, I need his wife to be ok with our friendship. I need her to find out, God. I need her to find out. Have her catch him texting me or something. I promise to keep things with him as such that her only complaint, valid or otherwise, is that he’s talking to someone. I need her to hear and understand we’re just talking. I need her to understand we are nowhere near and never will be near breaking the vow he took to her. I would be happy to take her on as a friend to, just please help him tell her. And please don’t let it destroy the marriage. I guess maybe they are having a rough go at it as it is and I do NOT want to be the catalyst to that marriage ending. I don’t want to be the other woman. So please if this friendship could really kill that marriage, steer him away from me, God. Please steer him away. I’ll find another friend.

If I do need to choose another, please help me out here. I’m so socially awkward and so hard to be around. Please put someone in my path that takes to me like I take to them and please let them understand my illness and limitations. For while I know I can be intense and difficult, I’m also capable of being the most compassionate, loving, kind, generous, and empathetic friend they have. I will gladly be that friend to whomever you offer to me, if I could just please have them in my life; R, or otherwise.


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