August 18, 2015

Dear God, it's me Karen,

Alright, I'll admit I'm confused.  The very day after I write to you and admit I wasn't listening to your answer regarding, R, he started a long texting conversation unprompted.  So I ask you to silence him if this isn't the friend for me, and he goes silent.  I acknowledge that, and he reenters my life on his own will.  So I'm left guessing.

I think maybe this matter isn't all or nothing.  I struggle with that.  The world is black and white to me.  I know to guard against it with people, but I forget that situations get to be that way with me too.

So what if the sudden burst of talking was you telling me to not write him off completely?  I still think he and I both have something to be gained from this friendship.  But maybe friendship is too strong of a word?

I've never really been one to look for miscellaneous acquaintances.  Usually people are either my friend or not.  That all or nothing thinking.  Maybe R is meant to be an acquaintance.  I think that's what you're trying to tell me anyway.  Not a close friend, the situation is too sticky for that, but not a total loss either.

He says his moods shift, which makes sense as he's bipolar.  Sometimes his moods shift and make him talkative, and other times he just doesn't feel like talking to anyone.  And that makes sense for what I've seen.

So I guess I'll just be around when he wants to talk, and not take it personally when he doesn't.  My happiness can't be tied to his desire to talk to me.  And if I gently remind myself now and then that he is an acquaintance, and not a bff, I'll be able to remain level headed.

Just...  I know he has some issues in his life and I know, or rather I've picked up, that he isn't fully happy in life.  So maybe when he needs someone to talk to, go ahead and nudge him in my direction? Or don't.  I choose to trust you and leave this in your hands.

Karen Marrs

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